1
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,020
To be on the same page.

2
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:23,560
Yes.

3
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:30,200
Well, he's hot, then he's cold, and
sometimes he's neither one thing nor the

4
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:31,200
other.

5
00:00:31,780 --> 00:00:36,240
Oh, yes, he does look bilious, and he's
completely lost his sunny disposition.

6
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:38,580
I don't know.

7
00:00:38,820 --> 00:00:40,180
Hold on, I'll ask.

8
00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:42,640
Are you nauseous, Malcolm?

9
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,040
Yes. Yes.

10
00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:47,100
Oh.

11
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:48,830
What's your stools like?

12
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,450
I forgot to look.

13
00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:54,090
Malcolm, you know that's rule number
one.

14
00:00:55,870 --> 00:00:57,210
You forgot to look.

15
00:00:58,030 --> 00:00:59,030
OK.

16
00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:00,310
All right.

17
00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:01,930
Thank you. Bye -bye.

18
00:01:04,530 --> 00:01:07,430
Well, you're empty more. I don't know
what it is.

19
00:01:07,910 --> 00:01:10,990
Oh, Malcolm, you're a medical mystery.

20
00:01:11,930 --> 00:01:14,210
Why won't you let me call the doctor,
son?

21
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,300
I don't like bothering him, Mum.

22
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:19,720
There's people worse off than me. Oh,
that's you all over.

23
00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:21,820
Always thinking of others.

24
00:01:22,020 --> 00:01:23,600
Now, pop your tongue out for me.

25
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,100
Oh, that doesn't look quite right.

26
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,120
Pop it back in again for now.

27
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,160
Are you well enough for Richard and
Judy?

28
00:01:31,940 --> 00:01:33,240
I don't think so.

29
00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:35,220
Oh, it's worse than I thought.

30
00:01:36,020 --> 00:01:38,240
I wonder if it's not something you ate.

31
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,760
What did you have yesterday? Let me see.

32
00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:45,280
Bored egg and toasted soldiers for
breakfast. Cheese and piccoli sandwich

33
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:46,280
penguin for lunch.

34
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:51,540
Then cod balls and mash for your tea
with arctic roll for afters. All

35
00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:54,000
fair. Nothing that could upset you
there.

36
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,520
Did Mr Perkins give you anything at
work?

37
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,100
Two arrowroot biscuits with my tea.

38
00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:03,120
Oh, why he can't stretch the boar bones,
I'll never know.

39
00:02:03,580 --> 00:02:06,620
He's always been a skintling, told
Geoffrey Perkins.

40
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,639
Oh, Malcolm, you always were such a
hippie child.

41
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:15,420
I know what your problem is. You've been
going out without your balaclava,

42
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:16,640
trying to show off.

43
00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:20,160
Oh, you're a magnet to bacteria. Always
have been.

44
00:02:23,980 --> 00:02:26,220
Have you had any untoward rashes down
below?

45
00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:27,660
No.

46
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,740
Well, it's nothing in the Gs.

47
00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:33,920
I'll try the Hs.

48
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,770
Have you had any tingling in your
fallopian tubes?

49
00:02:39,390 --> 00:02:40,950
Yeah, I think I have, yeah.

50
00:02:41,570 --> 00:02:42,690
Oh, have you?

51
00:02:43,190 --> 00:02:45,570
Oh, no. No, that's just for ladies.

52
00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,910
In fact, I think I've got that.

53
00:02:48,270 --> 00:02:51,410
Oh, no, no, I've had that out. That's
long gone.

54
00:02:51,710 --> 00:02:54,570
There's so many illnesses to choose
from.

55
00:02:54,850 --> 00:02:57,590
Why they bother inventing new ones, I'll
never know.

56
00:02:58,810 --> 00:03:00,170
Oh, your father's had that.

57
00:03:01,290 --> 00:03:02,290
And that.

58
00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:07,320
Isn't that? Do you know, I think your
father's had all this chapter.

59
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,660
Oh, yes, he's put a little tick at the
end.

60
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,040
Is that the boy with the picture of the
leaf? Malcolm?

61
00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:15,280
Oh, I thought you were ill.

62
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:23,940
Oh, it's a case history in here of a man
with bulbous scrotumuli who's, mm,

63
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,820
swelled up to the side of his own head.

64
00:03:28,020 --> 00:03:29,380
See a picture of a leaf?

65
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:32,760
Oh!

66
00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:33,940
Oh.

67
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,460
Oh, it looks like he's got a football in
his lap.

68
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,000
Let him have a look.

69
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,020
No.

70
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,220
Oh, pity the poor nurse who has to lance
that.

71
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,620
What do you think it is?

72
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:52,480
Is it Malcolm?

73
00:03:52,860 --> 00:03:53,860
Of course it's Malcolm.

74
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:55,960
What do you think his helmet is?

75
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:57,280
Oh, helmet.

76
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,720
I don't know, eh?

77
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:01,100
It's gallivanting, that's what it is.

78
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,140
Trying to compete with Chris Evans.

79
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,980
Oh, he idolises that ginger prince.

80
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,080
Do you want a cup of tea, Arthur?

81
00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:09,620
Oh, I'd love one.

82
00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:16,640
Are you not too good, Malcolm?

83
00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:18,959
No, Mr Capstick.

84
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:20,459
No.

85
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:28,060
I'm lucky with my health.

86
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,520
Everything in my body is 100 % fully
functional.

87
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,120
Farmy heart.

88
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,680
Oh, here we are.

89
00:04:37,260 --> 00:04:38,260
Lovely.

90
00:04:38,620 --> 00:04:39,620
Oh,

91
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:45,800
little wet your old whistle, Arthur. Oh,
thank you. I'm spitting feathers. Oh,

92
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:49,880
I've been run ragged this morning, what
with my Malcolm's malady.

93
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:51,480
There you go.

94
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,700
Lovely. Grand.

95
00:04:57,900 --> 00:05:02,480
Did you hear about Betty Spooner? Passed
away Wednesday.

96
00:05:02,740 --> 00:05:03,740
Betty Spooner?

97
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:08,660
I was only talking to her last week in
Carpet World.

98
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,840
She was browsing through the linoleum
samples as alive as you, Arthur.

99
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:15,600
Found her in the morning, dead.

100
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,480
In front of a one -bar fire.

101
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,660
Dead in front of a one -bar fire.

102
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:22,900
Oh, I hope it wasn't Tom wasting away.

103
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:24,880
Oh, Betty.

104
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,040
She'd only just had a perm and they're
not cheap.

105
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,400
No, they're not.

106
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:36,450
Mind you, it's a lovely way to go, that,
with a head full of curls.

107
00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:40,290
They won't have much to do at the
morgue, that's one blessing.

108
00:05:42,430 --> 00:05:44,510
Do you know who found her?

109
00:05:45,730 --> 00:05:47,390
Mrs Ashcroft, from next door.

110
00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:49,870
Only called in for catalogue money.

111
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:51,870
Ended up with death on her hands.

112
00:05:52,190 --> 00:05:53,350
Poor woman.

113
00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:57,490
Oh, I'd hate to find Becky Spooner dead
in front of a one -bar fire.

114
00:05:57,830 --> 00:05:58,830
Ah, well.

115
00:05:58,910 --> 00:06:00,190
Happened to us all one day.

116
00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:05,580
Do you like a big biscuit, Arthur?

117
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,840
A big biscuit? I don't know, eh?

118
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,200
Only 76, it was.

119
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,000
Who was?

120
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,340
Betty Spooner.

121
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,120
She's dead, you know.

122
00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:28,880
I know, Arthur, you just said.

123
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,040
Yes, I did. Spot on.

124
00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:34,960
Doesn't do to dwell on death, though,
does it?

125
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,120
No.

126
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:39,900
Oh, that reminds me.

127
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:41,520
How's Mr Merton?

128
00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:45,760
Oh, he's got a lesion under his arm,
says it's chafing him, something rotten.

129
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,200
I've had to put mittens on him.

130
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:49,980
You won't leave it alone.

131
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:55,220
When you pop up, will you rub a bit of
saffron on it for him? It's on his

132
00:06:55,220 --> 00:06:56,220
medicine trolley.

133
00:06:57,820 --> 00:06:58,820
These are lovely biscuits.

134
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,400
Where did you get them?

135
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,020
From the co -op in Chestergate.

136
00:07:02,940 --> 00:07:06,820
Do you know something, Arthur? The youth
these days, they don't want to know

137
00:07:06,820 --> 00:07:08,460
figs unless they're covered in
chocolate.

138
00:07:09,260 --> 00:07:11,360
I had a kit -kat the other day that was
the same.

139
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,820
So, what's this to do with the old
Malcolm?

140
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,600
Is he not in work today, then?

141
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:19,780
No, that's him, there.

142
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:25,960
Oh, let me tell you, Arthur. You know Mr
Perkins from the pet shop?

143
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,480
Yes. Only ever has arrowroot.

144
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,080
Who's in out on the fig front?

145
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:33,880
Oh, poor Malcolm.

146
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,560
I'm worried sick about him, you know.

147
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,620
And he won't let me call the doctor.

148
00:07:38,940 --> 00:07:42,740
He's got that from me, you know, that
selflessness. I'm exactly the same.

149
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,560
Always thinking of others.

150
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:46,360
Right.

151
00:07:46,580 --> 00:07:48,320
I'll nip up to see Mr Merton then.

152
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,400
I brought him two ounces of glazium
each. Oh, yeah, good Arthur.

153
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,260
That'll perk him up a bit.

154
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:57,260
It's only you that bothers, you know.
Ah, well.

155
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,200
Don't forget that saffron, will you?

156
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:05,060
Do you know, that's put him next up in
his room. He hates them over the road,

157
00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:06,300
pointing at him, laughing.

158
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,820
So, have you got a paper? I'll read him
his stuff.

159
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,040
Oh, yes.

160
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:15,860
He used to be a pie, but I don't think
he minds what you read him now.

161
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,220
It's all a bit pointless.

162
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,200
Oh, tell him about Betty Spooner dying.

163
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,700
That'll cheer him up a bit.

164
00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:29,440
So, er, why are you popping up then,
Arthur?

165
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,679
Where? To see Mr. Merton.

166
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,000
Oh, right.

167
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:48,760
waiting in the sky.

168
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:54,620
He'd like to come and meet us, but he
thinks it'd blow our mind.

169
00:08:54,860 --> 00:09:01,820
There's a star man waiting in the sky.
He told us not to blow

170
00:09:01,820 --> 00:09:04,200
it, because he knows it's all
worthwhile.

171
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:11,280
He told us, let the children boogie, let
the children boogie, let

172
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,260
all the children boogie.

173
00:09:17,070 --> 00:09:18,370
Right, come on, Malcolm.

174
00:09:18,590 --> 00:09:20,510
Let's pour some soup down you.

175
00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:24,310
It's chicken.

176
00:09:25,310 --> 00:09:26,430
Oh, thanks, Mum.

177
00:09:26,670 --> 00:09:27,830
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken.

178
00:09:29,490 --> 00:09:33,650
Oh, Malcolm, it's breaking my heart
seeing you like this.

179
00:09:33,870 --> 00:09:35,170
You've no energy, have you?

180
00:09:36,050 --> 00:09:38,590
Come on, I'll help you with it.

181
00:09:42,070 --> 00:09:44,270
Here's the plane coming into land.

182
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:45,730
Open the hangar.

183
00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:47,860
Good boy.

184
00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:49,740
Nice, isn't it?

185
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:57,700
Pass the tea round the gums. Look out,
Sammy. Here it comes.

186
00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,500
Oh, Dickie Dribble.

187
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,900
Now, I've got you some mashed bananas
for afters.

188
00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:06,060
Oh!

189
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:09,860
Now, try and drink a bit of this milk
for me, poppet.

190
00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:11,940
All right.

191
00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:23,260
Hello, Mrs Malcolm.

192
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:26,260
Malcolm, it's Mr Malick from the
chemist.

193
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,080
Thank you for rushing round.

194
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,400
I can't stay long because Judith can't
do prescriptions. She can only do over

195
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:33,400
-the -counter medicines.

196
00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:34,460
Oh.

197
00:10:34,660 --> 00:10:35,660
Hello, Malcolm.

198
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:37,360
Hello, Mr Malick.

199
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:42,340
Oh, he doesn't sound well. Not the
bonnie bouncy ball of fun we know as

200
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:47,020
Temperature seems fine.

201
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,200
How do you feel, Malcolm?

202
00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:51,060
Poorly.

203
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,300
Well, it's got me baffled.

204
00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:56,080
What are his stools like?

205
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,360
Oh, don't ask.

206
00:10:57,660 --> 00:10:58,720
It's a sore point.

207
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,560
He forgot to look.

208
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:05,260
Mind you, to be fair to him, when you
don't feel well, it's the last thing you

209
00:11:05,260 --> 00:11:09,000
want to be looking at, isn't it? I can
understand that, Mrs Merton, but

210
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,660
sometimes it's better to make the
effort.

211
00:11:14,180 --> 00:11:16,600
Oh, did you hear about Betty Spooner?

212
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,180
Dead in front of a one -bar fire.

213
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,519
Oh, my goodness.

214
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,800
They're dropping like flies.

215
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,820
Old Mr. Bagshaw popped his clogs on
Tuesday.

216
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:25,879
Oh, Mr.

217
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:29,320
Bagshaw. Watching Countdown and his
heart stopped beating.

218
00:11:29,660 --> 00:11:34,240
The last thing he must have seen was
Richard Whiteley. Oh, what a lovely way

219
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,540
go. And what a tribute to Richard.

220
00:11:37,180 --> 00:11:38,660
Oh, how old was he?

221
00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:42,140
Seventy -eight. Oh, his whole life ahead
of him.

222
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,920
What a senseless waste of human life.
Oh, yes.

223
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,680
Will you be stopping for a cup of tea,
Mr Malik?

224
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,340
No, thanks. I have to get back.

225
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,740
So, what's your professional opinion?

226
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:58,500
Well, you see, it's very tricky. It
always is when someone is poorly.

227
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:03,140
Having examined the patient thoroughly,
I would say, best to call a doctor.

228
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,360
Yes.

229
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:06,500
Because, you see, they are, what's the
word?

230
00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:07,940
Qualified.

231
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,660
Especially in light of the recent deaths
of Mr Bagshaw and Mrs Spooner.

232
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,670
Oh, sound advice, Mr Malick, as usual.

233
00:12:15,150 --> 00:12:18,150
Whilst I'm here, would you like me to
pop up and see Mr Merton?

234
00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:21,010
Oh, no, it's not worth the wear and tear
on his shoes.

235
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:24,530
Anyway, Arthur's up there rubbing
something into his lesion.

236
00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:28,190
Do you know, he's great, old Arthur.
There's not a crevice he won't rub

237
00:12:28,190 --> 00:12:29,190
something into.

238
00:12:29,530 --> 00:12:31,850
I'd do it myself, only it turns my
stomach.

239
00:12:32,470 --> 00:12:33,850
Well, I'll press on regardless.

240
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:38,660
I don't like to leave my assistant
Judith Botts on her own too long. She

241
00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:40,880
very embarrassed serving the more
intimate items.

242
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,340
Oh, you're a very sensitive man, Mr
Malick.

243
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,160
Malcolm, say thank you to Mr Malick for
diagnosing you.

244
00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:48,520
Thank you, Mr Malick.

245
00:12:48,740 --> 00:12:50,120
Come on, I'll see you out.

246
00:12:56,260 --> 00:13:00,860
Now, I know what will cheer you up. I'll
put your liking video on fire.

247
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,200
Now...

248
00:13:04,430 --> 00:13:05,430
Poor Countess.

249
00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:11,930
What's about his self -assertion video?

250
00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:14,650
No, I'm not in the mood.

251
00:13:15,470 --> 00:13:17,070
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

252
00:13:17,490 --> 00:13:18,790
Oh, Arthur.

253
00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:23,690
So, how was Mr Merton?

254
00:13:24,050 --> 00:13:25,890
Well, he didn't like that lesion being
squeezed.

255
00:13:26,730 --> 00:13:28,990
Oh, you're not supposed to squeeze it,
Arthur.

256
00:13:29,510 --> 00:13:31,150
I know that now, don't I?

257
00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:34,140
Topping up your tea, Arthur. It's
lovely.

258
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,400
Grand.

259
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:45,140
I was telling Mr Merton about Peggy
Gosworth. Her son Gordon's got a new TV.

260
00:13:45,420 --> 00:13:46,500
It's got C -Fax.

261
00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:47,960
C -Fax!

262
00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:53,580
You press a couple of buttons and a
whole load of writing comes up on the

263
00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,060
Wouldn't suit me.

264
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,820
I couldn't last out a full hour of
writing.

265
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,160
No.

266
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:01,440
I like something with a bit more plot to
it.

267
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,740
Like a good Ruth Wendell. I tend to
agree with you, Arthur.

268
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:08,840
Mind you, between me and you, the nearer
we get into that millennium, the more

269
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,800
racy them Ruth Wendell mysteries are
getting.

270
00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:14,000
I think we should be working backwards
from that millennium.

271
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,500
The world would be a better place.
Couldn't agree more, Arthur.

272
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,640
I mean, look what happened in Europe
with the butter mountain.

273
00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:23,460
Yes, I know.

274
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,160
What did happen with that butter
mountain?

275
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,390
I don't know, Arthur.

276
00:14:30,630 --> 00:14:32,550
You'll probably find that on CFAX.

277
00:14:34,030 --> 00:14:39,790
Oh, look at my poor Malcolm, lying
there, barely able to breathe for

278
00:14:40,830 --> 00:14:42,970
Worried sick about him still, Arthur.

279
00:14:43,810 --> 00:14:46,290
His illness has even baffled Mr Malick.

280
00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:50,150
Ooh! Guess who's popped the clogs now?

281
00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:53,050
Guess?

282
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:55,110
Who?

283
00:14:57,370 --> 00:14:58,470
Mr Backshaw.

284
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:02,350
Mr Bags... Oh, I don't know, eh?

285
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:05,770
I pop upstairs for five minutes and
another one's kicked the bucket.

286
00:15:06,130 --> 00:15:07,130
That's two of them.

287
00:15:07,730 --> 00:15:10,210
There'll be another one snuffing it
soon. They always come in threes.

288
00:15:12,850 --> 00:15:14,750
Oh, don't say that, Arthur.

289
00:15:15,630 --> 00:15:17,890
Oh, I don't know what I'd do without my
Malcolm.

290
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:20,490
It might not be Malcolm. It could be Mr
Merton.

291
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,050
Oh, yes.

292
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:23,950
Oh, thank you, Arthur.

293
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:26,990
Shall we go over it again?

294
00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:28,710
Who's dead?

295
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:45,300
Bye -bye.

296
00:16:49,290 --> 00:16:50,290
My mythical soldier.

297
00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:03,210
Hello, Mr Perkins.

298
00:17:04,010 --> 00:17:07,270
Hello, it's Malcolm Merton's mother
here, Mrs Merton.

299
00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:11,369
Well, as you probably know, Malcolm's
not in work today.

300
00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:15,190
Oh, oh, didn't you notice?

301
00:17:15,470 --> 00:17:16,829
No, no, he's here.

302
00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:21,950
Oh, he's ever so poorly. I'm so worried
about him. And you know what he's like.

303
00:17:22,050 --> 00:17:23,329
He won't let me get the doctor.

304
00:17:23,730 --> 00:17:29,490
Oh, incidentally, I must thank you for
being so kind to my Malcolm.

305
00:17:30,370 --> 00:17:33,010
Yes, he does appreciate those arrow
roots.

306
00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:34,910
Poor Malcolm.

307
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:37,170
How was he yesterday?

308
00:17:40,250 --> 00:17:41,250
Really?

309
00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:44,070
He was okay till what?

310
00:17:45,490 --> 00:17:46,650
I'm in control.

311
00:17:47,450 --> 00:17:48,530
I'm in control.

312
00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:51,030
I'm true to myself.

313
00:17:51,930 --> 00:17:53,150
Repeat it, Malcolm.

314
00:17:54,030 --> 00:17:55,490
I'm true to myself.

315
00:17:56,030 --> 00:17:58,550
I don't know whether you're interested,
Malcolm.

316
00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:00,910
You might be too poorly.

317
00:18:01,570 --> 00:18:04,810
But I was talking to Geoffrey Perkins,
your boss.

318
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:08,690
And he said there was a special delivery
planned for today at the pet shop.

319
00:18:08,990 --> 00:18:12,830
Something coincidentally that you're
frightened of.

320
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:14,050
Oh, yes.

321
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,440
Something long and scaly.

322
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,600
Ring any bells, Malcolm?

323
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,620
A snake.

324
00:18:23,260 --> 00:18:26,620
Oh, yes, Malcolm Merton. You've been
rumbled.

325
00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:31,800
You're not poorly at all. You've been
pushing it on to avoid facing that

326
00:18:32,060 --> 00:18:33,060
haven't you?

327
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:39,880
Yes, ma 'am. Oh, how could you? I've
been hoodwinked by my first and only

328
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:41,940
Why did you do it, son?

329
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:45,360
I was too afraid, ma 'am. Them snakes
can kill you with one squeeze.

330
00:18:46,020 --> 00:18:48,060
Oh, Malcolm, I got squeezed to death
myself.

331
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,520
Oh, I rue the day I bought you that look
and learn.

332
00:18:52,140 --> 00:18:55,480
Sometimes you're better off in the dark
where deadly reptiles are concerned.

333
00:18:55,980 --> 00:18:56,980
I know.

334
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:02,020
You know, Malcolm, in this life, you
have to tell the truth.

335
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,240
What have I always taught you?

336
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:06,300
Never tell a fib or a fib will tell on
you.

337
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,380
Honesty is always the best policy.

338
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:11,850
What did you say to Mr Perkins?

339
00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:14,590
Oh, I told him it was a virus and he
won't be in all week.

340
00:19:14,970 --> 00:19:16,070
Big company for me.

341
00:19:17,570 --> 00:19:18,570
I'm sorry, Mum.

342
00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:20,750
Are you hungry?

343
00:19:21,570 --> 00:19:22,570
Starving.

344
00:19:22,990 --> 00:19:25,070
I'll bet you are, Tricky Dicky.

345
00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:29,330
Oh, Malcolm, you really are such a
complex character.

346
00:19:30,070 --> 00:19:32,450
Just me to give Bertha such a wild card.

347
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,840
And it's massive, man. But people aren't
allowed to talk to each other.

348
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:48,440
And they're not allowed to be friendly.
Not even to the milkman or the postman.

349
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:51,820
They've all got to go around with
miserable faces all day.

350
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:53,720
And where's this, Malcolm?

351
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,280
London. Yes, you're right.

352
00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:01,300
We should thank our lucky stars for
living, dying, eating, nourishing. We

353
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:02,300
blessed.

354
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,580
If it offered me a million pounds in a
bag to go there for one day, I wouldn't

355
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,580
take it.

356
00:20:07,850 --> 00:20:10,230
And rightly so. Do you know what I
heard?

357
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:13,950
In London, it's so polluted now, they're
due to drive in underground.

358
00:20:14,730 --> 00:20:15,750
Why me, Charlie?

359
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:20,430
Come and help me dry up, Markham. Then
we'll have our sponge pudding in front

360
00:20:20,430 --> 00:20:21,430
Ricky Lake.

361
00:20:22,610 --> 00:20:23,610
Tremendous.

362
00:20:38,540 --> 00:20:39,540
It's a pattern, huh?

363
00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:47,940
Oh, do you know, I can't stop thinking
about Betty Spooner dying in front of a

364
00:20:47,940 --> 00:20:48,940
one -bar fire.

365
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,920
Oh, the heat in the world won't bring
her back now.

366
00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:56,120
Did I ever meet her, ma 'am?

367
00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:00,780
Yeah. She lived next door to that man
with the three Jack Russells.

368
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:05,300
Remember, she gave you 50p that time for
getting the dog dirt out of a rockery.

369
00:21:06,180 --> 00:21:07,180
Oh, yeah.

370
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,700
Hey, it was weird, that. Some of that
dog there was white.

371
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,100
We don't want to hear about white dogs'
doings when we're having sponge pudding

372
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:17,380
with Ricky Lake. Thank you, Roger Rude
Mouth.

373
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:25,980
Oh, turn that up.

374
00:21:59,389 --> 00:22:00,770
I don't want him.

375
00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,070
Can't stand him.

376
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:03,190
He was no good.

377
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,520
I don't trust him with a guy. I think he
might be the murderer, ma 'am.

378
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,460
He's the detective, you clown.

379
00:22:39,460 --> 00:22:41,520
Do you remember? He used to be in the
Sweeney.

380
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:46,240
What

381
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:57,760
was

382
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,680
his sidekick called in Sweeney, ma 'am?

383
00:23:02,949 --> 00:23:09,910
I could be so good for you.

384
00:23:10,450 --> 00:23:13,010
Love you like you want me to.

385
00:23:13,210 --> 00:23:15,490
Do anything for you.

386
00:23:16,830 --> 00:23:19,230
I'd be so good for you.

387
00:23:20,690 --> 00:23:22,530
If you want to... Malcolm!

388
00:23:23,030 --> 00:23:25,870
Are we watching this or are you acting
the giddy goat?

389
00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:29,540
Because if you want to act the giddy
goat, you can act the giddy goat in the

390
00:23:29,540 --> 00:23:31,720
hall. You're not acting the giddy goat
in here.

391
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:37,940
Lewis, don't make the problem worse by
guessing.

392
00:23:44,860 --> 00:23:48,320
Malcolm, what have I told you about
putting chocolates near your crotch?

393
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,440
He didn't rush to find them here, did
he?

394
00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,100
Do you know, the old of Oxford could be
murdered, and all he'd do is pop another

395
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:01,100
CD on.

396
00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:02,860
I like his assistant.

397
00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:06,280
Him? He's thick as two short pranks,
him.

398
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,120
Ooh, and he's got such a miserable face.

399
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,540
He cheered up a bit when he went in peak
practice.

400
00:24:13,140 --> 00:24:15,800
Then he went all miserable again in the
brokers, ma 'am.

401
00:24:17,780 --> 00:24:21,260
Is Morse married, ma 'am? No, we haven't
opened Hell's Chance.

402
00:24:21,900 --> 00:24:23,480
He's more miserable than the other
fella.

403
00:24:24,879 --> 00:24:27,620
Most detectives aren't married, are
they? No.

404
00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:29,980
I'll tell you who is married.

405
00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:32,220
Mary, Beth and Cagney and Lacey.

406
00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:37,640
Oh, do you remember that episode when
she couldn't decide whether to go to a

407
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,500
take -out for a drug fight or to a son's
school concert?

408
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:42,600
Oh, what a dilemma.

409
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,340
Can I be a detective, Mum?

410
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:46,560
No.

411
00:24:52,460 --> 00:24:57,240
In a laboratory experiment, our experts
treated Susan with our new formula and a

412
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:58,159
rival brand.

413
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,020
The results speak for themselves.

414
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:04,000
Ma 'am, can I wash half my head with a
dandruff shampoo?

415
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,480
I don't think that's it then.

416
00:25:08,980 --> 00:25:13,540
Oh, what a day we've had. We really have
been to hell and back.

417
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,660
Sorry I pretended to be poorly today, ma
'am.

418
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,340
Will we have to tell Mr Malick?

419
00:25:21,740 --> 00:25:23,060
need to tell Mr. Malick.

420
00:25:23,300 --> 00:25:25,560
He might not be as keen to come round
next time.

421
00:25:26,020 --> 00:25:27,320
We'll tell no one.

422
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,820
Luckily, old Arthur will have forgotten
the whole incident by now anyway.

423
00:25:32,020 --> 00:25:33,300
You all right now, son?

424
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:34,640
I think so.

425
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,160
Night, night.

426
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,240
Sleep tight.

427
00:25:39,900 --> 00:25:41,280
Don't let the bedbugs bite.

428
00:25:44,540 --> 00:25:45,620
Oh, the snakes.

429
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,340
Oh, you and your reptilophobia.

430
00:26:01,550 --> 00:26:04,150
I'm sorry about Arthur squeezing your
lesion.

431
00:26:05,090 --> 00:26:09,330
I don't think he's encountered lesions
that size since the early 50s.

432
00:26:10,770 --> 00:26:14,530
Oh, what does a dude today's been?

433
00:26:15,050 --> 00:26:16,310
Poor Malcolm.

434
00:26:17,110 --> 00:26:20,690
He's worried stiff about having
nightmares about that snake.

435
00:26:20,950 --> 00:26:23,250
I think he'll be all right now, though.

436
00:26:24,690 --> 00:26:26,210
Good night, Mr Merton.

437
00:26:26,790 --> 00:26:28,070
Good night, Malcolm.

438
00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:29,750
Night, Mum.

439
00:26:31,540 --> 00:26:32,540
Night, Dad.